According to statistics from 2018, 4 out of 10 marriages are separated or divorced. Imagine how many more marriages will end in dissolution now with Covid-19. Either we solve our problems, or we end up adding more numbers to the statistics.
Every case is unique and individual, we cannot generalize when we talk about the causes and reasons that lead to a divorce. One denominator factor is the effects of divorce in the family and the parties involved. A term that I used in my process was collateral damages and at times we cannot even imagine how extensive those damages are/were and more after a marriage of 20 years. Something that I never imagined will happen, but it did.
Things that I learned through my process was how vulnerable I am. I went through and others can experience anxiety- of the unknown, depression- due to isolation, lack of support from friends and family members, insecurities, hopelessness, among others. Trust me I had plenty of support, but I was in a fog state of mind that at times I didn’t even see it. It can affect our self-esteem, can cause physical problems. In addition to the social and financial problems that arise.
At the beginning of this new season, it felt like I was mourning the death of someone dearly loved. The difference is that the person is not dead physically, but the feelings of losing someone are similar. Some studies suggest that it takes a person, on average, eighteen months to move on after divorce, while others simply leave it at “it’s complicated.” And that’s the truth—divorce is complicated.
My determination to heal came after realizing that I could not do it on my own. I tried but I was not successful, I had some much resentment, so much anger, so much sadness within me. It was indeed a complicated situation. I learned that there are support groups for divorcees. I was finally able to attend to one from beginning to end and then attended a second one where I did an inventory of my life and helped me see unhealthy patterns/hang ups and areas that needed more work from my end. I enrolled in a program by the name of Financial University to relearn and manage my finances better. New friendships were made. I connected with other women going through similar experiences, and since then I am working on a better version of myself. I do a daily inventory and I am far away from perfection; I have my flaws. I learned the true meaning of forgiveness, starting with forgiving myself and others. It is important to note that forgiveness is not to have a relationship with that person like we had before. It is about freeing us and being able to move on. It’s putting pride aside and feeling empathy for that other person or persons. It is to stop being a prisoner of the hatred, resentment, and negativity that hold you back to moving forward and receiving the blessings that are intended for you.
Things that can help you:
- Each feeling should be recognized, lived, and named but not made part of our lives.
- It is normal to feel sad, to be afraid of the unknown and to seek help. Be brave enough to ask for help.
- Do not rush your process.
- Try to eat a balanced diet. Exercise.
- Keep a diary and write down everything you have been able to accomplish, celebrate each small victory.
- Find a support group.
- Recognize that divorce is a process and not something that defines us.
- Accept your reality and this can take time.
- Make yourself healthy and remember to take the time to heal, let go of resentments, and come to a healthy emotional place before you can be open to a new relationship.